October 28, 2006
Party out of Bounds
It's the last day of my trip. Beautiful warm sunny day. The pool looks cool and refreshing. The hot tub is closed for half an hour while fresh chlorine cycles through.
Mr. Congeniality—a.k.a. Mr. Gay Alaska—a.k.a. Mr. It's-All-About-Me—is in the pool raving about his Walk of Shame. But he's only got thirty minutes to do so because he's got a television interview that he is "obligated" to do. At least all he has to do is "sit around and wave."
When Paul told us that Mr. Gay Alaska would be staying here, I immediately pictured the Brawny paper towel man, albeit bigger and hairier. When JT showed up, my hopes were shattered, of course. Basically, he's a self-absorbed, pretentious twink with a beard. Really now, should I have expected any less from a contestant in the Mr. Gay USA pageant? No judging, though.
He joined me in the hot tub, and he seemed really uncomfortable with my silence. I knew who he was, but I refused to stroke him...in any way. Then when the two British bears came in, we started chatting about nothing in particular. He was mid-sentence explaining something about Alaska when his phone rang. He abruptly stopped talking, answered his phone, and left the tub. It was one of those moments where we just looked at each other and could only laugh at the absurdity.
The two British bears came in the same day the first three left. Neal, Simon, and Peter had been there for a couple of days by then. Neal and Simon were on their honeymoon after a civil commitment ceremony. Peter is a friend of theirs who wholly coincidentally showed up at the same place and time.
Simon is a babe, there's no two ways about it. He has gorgeous brown eyes, great lips, and a deep soothing voice. And as I am wont to do, I quickly became attached to him. I respect the boundaries of the marriage and the commitment, but I can't help but stare and ogle. The somewhat mutual attraction led to a quick shag (so much for boundaries), and that's where it ended. Even though they play openly, it really is only play. And of course I'm left jealous and miserable.
It always seems to happen that way. And as much as I've lamented it and pondered it, I still ask myself why I fall for the married guy or the guy who is unhavable. Perhaps it's my karma in this life, and I'll just have to settle with being "the other woman," a phrase which never fails to remind me of Barbara Mandrell's "Woman to Woman."
Hello. You don't know who this is, but I was going through my man's pockets this morning and I just happened to find your name and number. So, woman to woman, I don't think it's wrong to call...
Whatever.
That's the joy of gay relationships: as much as they strive to be traditional, commited unions, one or both of them may falter, the partnership opens up, and they play with other people. Very traditional indeed. But that puts limits on people like me.
Take cute, hunky, adorable Joel for example. He shows up with his partner of five years all sexy, seductive, and smiling, and I could fall a thousand years for him. And what if we play? Cool. But what if I lived in a different part of the country where we saw each other socially or regularly? And what if I allowed myself to develop deeper feelings for him? I know they would never be fully reciprocated because he's already got his husband and he wouldn't break up a happy home for me...nor would I want him to. There's only so far it could go before it would be forced to stop, and that would crush me.
Same thing with Simon, Micheal, Steven, same thing left, right, and center. So there's a karmic lesson there somewhere. I just have to find what it is—and sooner rather than later, please. It's becoming a preoccupation that I don't want.
Lately, I've become more ambivalent about what I want. Sometimes I die for companionship, someone to go to the movies with, eat dinner with, cuddle with. Sometimes I praise the maker that I'm free and single. Where's the happy medium? I can't have my cake and eat it, too.
So where was I? Read a few books. Soaked in the jacuzzi and the pool. No sunburn this time. Planned the migration of my new computer, which was delivered to work on Thursday, thank you very much. I'll swing by and pick it up on my way home on Sunday. I probably won't sleep on Sunday night as a result. I am so excited, you have no idea.
So with the temperature slowly rising, I'm wasting time being self-indulgent and overly dramatic. And there are still British bears in the pool!
