June 2, 2006
Something to Believe In
I may have mentioned this before, but I have been having a recurring dream...or perhaps a dream of a recurring theme would be better. Ever since my Rabbit was broken into and my stereo and case of cassettes was stolen almost fifteen years ago, I've had dreams of my car being vandalized, blown up, you name it. So it's not always the same dream, but it's the same idea. Last night was the first time in a while I've had one like that, but it was enough to curl me up in a ball in my bed and cry. In the dream, I am driving with other people through Carmel Rancho in Carmel, when I see my car in the parking lot. My car's doors are wide open and the hatch is up. I ask my friends if that is my car and why it is open, and then the dread hits me. Someone has broken into my car, again. I get to my car, and all I can think of is that my TV, my TiVo, my iPod, my beloved old iMac, everything (every tangible thing) has been taken from me, (say it with me) again. I'm running around the car, looking underneath it, in the glove box, everywhere for my stuff, and all I find is my "man purse" completely emptied out—apparently the thief was too butch to take the bag with him. I cry and cry and cry over my lost things, replaceable stuff, you know, things that I don't really need to begin with, and on which I place far too much importance...well, except for the iPod; that thing is golden as far as I'm concerned. Eventually, my eyelids flutter open, I notice that it's only five twenty-six on a slowly-sunny San Francisco Friday morning, and it was all a bad dream. Clearly, I have some issues with my possessions.
But, as much pain as my soul was put through unconsciously, I was wide awake to get up and start my day. I had an eight-o'clock appointment at the Department of Public Health, and I needed to get up early anyway. I haven't mentioned this yet, and I guess now is as good a time as any. I've joined a clinical trial of an HIV vaccine. I haven't actually received the vaccine yet—I haven't even finished the baseline visit—but sometime in June, I'll be starting the regimen.
I have always felt it necessary to contribute something to the fight against HIV/AIDS, but I'm just shit rotten at outreach—you know me, Mister Out-Going and all—so I can only really do something behind the scenes. When I lived in Monterey, I volunteered at the Monterey County AIDS Project for a while, I can't remember how long, and though all I did was type letters and address envelopes, they all told me that I was doing something to help. And then, a couple of years ago, I started seeing signs asking for volunteers for HIV vaccine trials. At the time, I wasn't in the right frame of mind to participate, but it was always in the back of my mind. Since I work for a pharmaceutical company and since I publish the final reports and submissions related to drug trials, I've had an interest in how clinical trials were performed from the subject's point of view. So, like the day after I moved to my new place, I'm walking in the Castro when I'm approached to volunteer for another vaccine study and I gladly agreed. Couple days later, I get a phone call, set up an appointment, and get started.
I was squeamish about being stuck with needles and having blood taken from me, but it's for a worthy cause, and it only hurts for a second. But then, how do you test the efficacy of an HIV vaccine in a healthy, HIV-negative person without exposing them to the virus? Well, it's simple—so simple that it creates a "duh" moment every time I re-think it. The test site injects me with the study drug (or placebo because this is a double-blind study), and a certain time later, they draw blood from me and expose that drawn blood to the HIV to see what happens. Simple. No version of HIV, dead, alive, dormant, or otherwise is ever used in the injectable study drug. So, the only way I would be exposed to the virus is if I were playing unsafely.
As I said, all of the studies the Department of Public Health is performing are double-blind studies. That means that neither the subject nor the site knows whether the subject is given the study drug or the placebo until the data is unblinded—or the study is over and the data is ready to be analyzed and scrutinized. Supposedly, it's the best way to collect unbiased information on the drug and how it affects the subject. Personally, I would like to receive the placebo because it allows me to participate in future studies as is needed. If a subject receives the study drug, they will be ineligible to participate in future studies, indefinitely I believe. That's no fun. I don't mind being a guinea pig. I know they're not going to euthanize me just to dissect my tissues and such like that, and I know that this vaccine is safe because of previous safety data that reports it as such. All in all, it sounds exciting to me, and I am ready to get started. So that's something else I'll probably write about more as it happens.
And the reason for this digression is that this morning, I had an appointment to get set up, but there wasn't enough time to get all the baseline—or first visit—information out of the way. I think they've already collected the inclusion/exclusion criteria because they've determined that I am eligible for any of the studies they're currently performing. It's all routine and it's good for me because I haven't seen a real doctor or had a physical since I was discharged from the navy...what was it...fifteen years ago or something. I don't like the doctor, and thankfully, and despite the cigarettes, I'm still a healthy man (knock on wood). I just need to eat more veggies.
I started writing this entry just before noon on Friday, and as I'm finishing it up, it's after seven o'clock Friday evening. The sun is setting behind Mt. Sutro, and there's still plenty of light for me to watch the comings and goings on 19th Street. This is such a great location.
Raiders of the Lost Ark is being shown at the Castro Theatre. I guess it's a re-release or a new print or a restored print or something like that for the 25th anniversary of the film. I cannot wait to see that. It is definitely on my list of things to do this weekend. I love that movie.
I guess that's all.
