January 6, 2006
The Friday Random Ten: The Why-the-Hell-Not Edition
Fire up the iPod, set it to shuffle, and write down the first ten songs that play. No cheating. No skipping forward.
- All You Want—Dido
- (Don't) Give Hate a Chance—Jamiroquai
- Picture of My Life—Jamiroquai
- Come On Come On—Mary Chapin Carpenter
- ’Til the Day that I Die—Garbage
- Insecurity—Stacey Q
- Me Against the Music—Britney Spears
- Some of Us—Starsailor
- I Want Your (Hands on Me)—Sinéad O'Connor
- Wait for Me—Susan Tedeschi
As long a we're resurrecting this blog, I might as well dig out my old bad habits and play this silly meme. It happens to be an easy one for me to play with no clever answers to not-so-clever questions. Whatever. It's Friday.
Yestreen (I love this word!), Roommate and I had a very in depth conversation, a heart-to-heart if you will. It lasted over an hour! That's a record nowadays; we don't really talk too much anymore. Anyway, he hasn't really heard about my plans in sixty-three (working) days from now. So, I tried to outline them for him as clearly as possible. That wasn't easy. Talking to him is an exercise in both patience and rational thinking. He challenges me with his supposed logic, and he makes me justify why I think the way I do about my future plans. He also has the annoying tendency to interrupt with his own insights in the middle of my sentence. Now, I know that interruption is a normal part of a flowing conversation, but typically, it happens after the thought is complete, or is that just wishful thinking on my part? I never got into debate, so I don't get the rules and etiquette. (Damn, even my digressions bother me sometimes!) What. Ever. The point is that he hadn't heard my plans in so much detail, and he decided to punch holes in these plans and make me think about what I'm doing and why. And now I'm second-guessing myself. And that pisses me off.
I have thought about this for over two years. I have spent an amazing amount of time in research and contemplation and I truly feel that I'm making a good move in the right direction. Naturally, there will be critics, my friends and family among them, who think I'm making a mistake, giving up security and stability for the unknown, but it's the security and stability that are my enemies right now. I have become so lazy and complacent that I'm bored and apathetic, and I feel like I have wasted a lot of time doing nothing at all. Small variations don't do enough to shake things up. So I thought making a life-shattering change to my daily routine would force me to wake from my stupor and face life again.
The night I got to boot camp in San Diego, almost sixteen years ago, I was forced to strip down to my skin, shove all of my civilian clothes without even folding them into a small box, seal the box, address it, and mail it to my address on record. I was issued a sweatshirt and sweatpants, undergarments, and a pair of tennis shoes until we could get to general issue for our uniforms. Then we had our heads shaved clean and bald. This happened within twenty-four hours of arriving at rtc/ntc, San Diego. They did this to shock us into our new lives, and it was effective. I quickly forgot about everything I had left behind because I had no choice...and also because there was nothing left of that life except memories.
Perhaps this is an extreme model to follow, but honestly it's the only thing I can think of right now. I'm fucking desperate! I am so absolutely miserable with my life as it is that if I don't do something drastic, I'm going to fucking kill myself, and that's just too unrealistic—there are far too many movies coming out this summer that I have to stick around to see.
Dammit, if only I could concentrate long enough to meditate effectively enough to find the answers within...
