Next Stop, Wonderland

I've been away for a while. I am trying to fend off yet another nervous breakdown. I know that may sound a little melodramatic, but it's the best way I can describe it right now. Pressures at work, pressures at home, pressures in my family. It all weighs on you a little, you know? I am starting to think that breakdowns should be more common than they are, and perhaps they really are and we just don't see them. It's scary for me to lose control of my emotions. It's cheap for me to blame it on other people and external influences. It's human, though, I guess.

So, short of going postal on the people with whom I work, which isn't all that far off the mark, I decided to take a few more days off than I had planned. I'm leaving for LA tomorrow morning and I'll be back on Monday sometime, maybe. Wednesday I called in to work from home and I went to the city. I didn't say I was sick. I spent almost two hours getting from The Embarcadero out to Stonestown. I know, why Stonestown? I needed to gather a few things for my trip, and I didn't want to hassle with parking and morons, so I forwent(?) downtown and took a trip out to the mall on the fringes of San Francisco. After that, I hung out at Golden Gate Park, watching cute guys walk in and out of the bushes.

This morning I woke up nice and early, though I didn't have to, went to the post office, did the laundry, picked up Roommate's parcel, gassed up the car, and am now listening to "Fresh Air," with Terry Gross on NPR. (It's just for noise, and boy is she good at noise.) I am beginning to like this time off stuff. In fact, I might just make a perfect housewife. Really. And I'm not even done yet! Vacuuming, dusting, cleaning. I'll be going all day. Plus I have to pack.

I finally caved, though. Yesterday, one of the items I was gathering was a new pair of jeans to replace the completely holey and worn pair that I'm addicted to. They're getting to the point of being unsightly and potentially embarrassing. So, the jeans that I bought needed to be a little bigger than the size I currently wear. I've become larger than I used to be, and before I can lose the weight that I will lose, I need to be more comfortable. I am kinda tired of feeling like a squid in stretch pants. So, as I said, I caved and bought a size 35 waist. OMG!! A 35? From a 34? What are you thinking? Are you out of your mind? I'm trying to convince myself...oh fuck it. I am so in denial. I think they'll be more comfortable, though.

So, not exactly a fun past week or so. I really don't feel like talking to anyone or doing anything. If it weren't for a visit to darling Ken and The Bangles tomorrow night, I would probably run away and hide out somewhere in Bumfuck, Egypt. And why not? Armed with a Powerbook and an Airport card, I'm free!

Oh before I leave, I wanted to write this down for posterity. I had a dream about Shrub last night. I dreamt that I was part of his staff. The staff, himself, and I were having a picnic outside at a long picnic table complete with the red gingham table cloth. He was chastising me because I was exhausted from working forty-eight hours straight. He was telling me that in his day, people worked all week long without resting. I said that I was physically incapable of working more than two days without respite. He shook his head at me in shame and told me that it was because I was young, a democrat, and part of Generation X, who all believe that life should be easy for everyone. Now, what the fuck does that mean? And why was it Shrub? Why couldn't someone like Oprah tell me that?

Home, Sweet Home

I'm back safe and sound. The trip was fun and the rest was needed and overdue. I didn't have access to the Internet while I was there, so I couldn't post anything here. The Bangles were great. The night of the concert I was disappointed that they came on really late, they didn't play longer, there were no chairs to sit in, etc., but on the way home, I realized how cool it was to see them live. They look just as good as they did before they left, almost fifteen years ago. They sounded great. Most of the songs were off their new album, which is being released in the US in September, with a special DVD to accompany the audio CD (which pisses me off because I bought the import which doesn't have the DVD, and I love special stuff like that). They were all good. I will probably never see them live again, so I am glad I had this opportunity. It was worth it to me.

So, the weekend was fun. And I'm glad to be home. I have probably said this before, but every time I leave the Bay Area, I understand how much I take living here for granted. I don't think I'll move any time soon. Besides, when I was down there, on one day alone, my car's thermometer read 111° F (44° C)! When I got back to Oakland yesterday, it was a cool 74° F (23° C). Do the math. It's better. And I got a feel for what most of Europe is going through right now, although we always have similar weather in the Beast in late summer, but that's another rant altogether.

The road trip was nice, too. I hate 101, I've decided. It's just ugly. And I thought it was a regional disgust thing, up here only, like the rest of 101 would be nicer, but no, it's not. I took 101 down, but insisted on I-5 on the way home. It was better. Period. And since I had plenty of time on Friday to scout out the area of Woodland Hills, it was easy for me to find the highways and the connector to 405 going north. Piece of cake.

That's all for now. I'm back at work trying to get back into the swing of things after so many days off. It's not that easy.

The Friday Five

1. How much time do you spend online each day? Like all day. As soon as I get to work, and as soon as I get home from work. It's a horrible thing. Maybe that's why my social skills are non-existent, you think?
2. What is your browser homepage set to?
   SF Gate. Local news, etc.
3. Do you use any instant messaging programs? If so, which one(s)?
   I use ICQ at work, and iChat AV at home.
4. Where was your first webpage located?
   Right here.
5. How long have you had your current website?
   For approximately 23 months.

Read My Lips

One-Term President

What did you do this weekend, Michael?

Let's see. Friday night, I went for the evening constitutional with Roommate who persuaded me to stop by Cactus Taqueria for a light dindin. I always love the black bean and cheese quesadilla with guacamole. It's nothing special. I'm sure that every taqueria in San Francisco has one like it, but because it's right down the street, I like it the best. After that, we strolled on up to the worldwide headquarters of Dreyers ice cream, which has an ice cream shop, to indulge in a very delicious double scoop of flavors I can't quite recall now. It had something to do with double caramel and something else. Whatever the flavors were, they were delish and not light at all. And the friendly folks who man the store always dish out huge scoops of flavors. They're enormous, really. Then we walked home.

Saturday was spent watching the Behind the Music stories of the Bangles, the Go-Gos, Tori Amos, Garbage, and Cyndi Lauper. I forgot Cyndi was the opening act for much of Cher's farewell tour, or rather she was the headliner for the tour. I wonder if Cyndi will be there with Cher in September. Oh my god I'd wet myself. You have no idea. Cyndi Lauper and the Bangles were staples, sometimes all I'd ever listen to when I was a teenager. I can't possibly put words to the emotions. Can't.

Sunday was spent messing around online. I was looking into a potential career change that I won't mention here, which will depend on the outcome of this company I work for now. Good or bad, I think that would be the direction I would move in, no pun intended.

I didn't leave the apartment at all this weekend. That was OK with me. I got a great parking space, and I figured it was best to leave the car there and stay in. Parking is very important to me. If I get a spot within sight of the building I live in, it's a special day. Course, I could have walked or taken BART or whatever, but it was a do-nothing weekend for me. Sometimes they're necessary. You know?

That's all.

Last Night Was a Perfect Example of Why This Is My New Anthem

"Single By Choice"
The Bangles

Single by choice
Never marry, never ever divorce
Listen to the solitary voice
Tell you I'm single by choice

Single by choice
Never marry, never ever divorce
Listen to the solitary voice
Tell you I'm single by choice

Believe me, it's better this way.

A Cook

I have finally got to see all of the episodes of "Dead Like Me." That was one thing we accomplished during my visit to LA, thanks to Tivo. I totally love this show. And it's one of the shows that a girl at work tapes for her sister-in-law along with "Sex and the City." I didn't know this until we started talking about it, and voilà, I have an in to the show every week now. Thank my stars! I would get Showtime just for this program, I would. And I've had a crush on Mandy Patinkin since I saw Yentl like forever ago. Unfortunately, it takes forever for my co-worker to circulate the video tape among those who watch it, and I just saw last Friday's episode of "DLM," and I'm still waiting for Sunday's episode of "SATC." That's OK, though, because I have the patience of a stone for things like this, and I sincerely appreciate the favor that she provides. In turn, I learn her language. I can see the puzzled look on your faces, and I won't continue any further.

Cheers!

I have to put this down before I forget it.

I have a dream last night that I was wandering through a very large mall somewhere. One of the attractions at this mall was a tour of Madonna's internal organs [sic] on a huge plasma screen monitor. She narrated the journey as an ultra-small camera was swallowed and progressed throughout her body. At the end of the trip, where most stuff in our body ends, she said, "Now I suppose all of you dirty minds out there are wondering how this thing comes out of my body. Well I'll show you, just watch." And the video turned into a cartoon of a bird taking a big dump on a car. "That's where the story ends. What are you looking at? Vogue." And the attraction ended and we were ushered out into the mall. I was left with a large lump in my gut as if I, too, had a miniature camera floating around in my innards. Not pleasant.

After I left the attraction, I ended up on the steps outside of my high school, in Iowa. It was night, and I was alone. I heard the doors of the school open, and out walked my former choir director. He was absolutely livid. He ran up to me and started yelling at me. He kept wanting to touch me, to grab my chin like a parent does to their child in order to keep their attention. I pushed him away and asked him who the hell he thought he was. "How could you just quit my choir?" he asked. "How could you drop the class from your schedule? What are you going to do with your life? What do you think you'll become if you just quit now?" I looked at him and told him to mind his own business. "How old are you now?" I told him. "You can't afford to keep changing just because you feel like it."

Whoa. Hang the fuck on there, Kent. What are you doing in my dream telling me stuff that I should be telling myself? But I suppose that since I'm not telling myself these things, my subconscious will step up to the plate and do it for me. Isn't it wonderful to have a safety mechanism built into our minds?

Nevertheless, it didn't make for a good morning when I woke up. We'll see what else Thursday has to offer me.

The Friday Five

1. When was the last time you laughed? Sadly, I can't remember. I think it was last night, but it could have been Wednesday. It hasn't been a good week.

2. Who was the last person you had an argument with?
   Roommate, and that would have been about five minutes after I woke up this morning. Thank you ever so.

3. Who was the last person you emailed?
   My very dear friend, Claire.

4. When was the last time you bathed?
   If you're referring to taking a bath rather than a shower, I can't remember. I'm not usually a bath person. If you're referring to the general practice of self-cleaning, that would be a shower this morning.

5. What was the last thing you ate?
   A very yummy cup of strawberry yogurt.

Disappointment

I got some disappointing news yesterday. It's nothing life-shattering or anything, just that the ONJ concert on Sunday has been postponed until later in October. I was looking forward to that. It would have been a great experience for my mind and soul after this week. To Ticketmaster's credit however, I received an e-mail telling me that the concert was postponed, and then I received an automated voice mail saying the same thing. At least they're thorough about it. I guess that's part of the $10.95 convenience fee they charge when you buy tickets from them. OK, I guess it's worth it. My tickets will be honored on October 5th, when ONJ appears at Davies Symphony Hall. I've waited this long to see her live on stage, I guess another month or so isn't that bad.

Un petit mise-à-jour

Yesterday I got even more bad news, yes worse than Olivia postponing her trip to San Francisco. (And I really needed that concert on Sunday.) Our little start-up is not doing so well. We had been warned to seek out alternate employment to supplement our income, and I didn't take action on it before. Now I will have to. We have a great product that works, practically bug-free, and I'm not just saying that out of pride. Our COO is rabid when it comes to bug-fixing. She will not tolerate inadequacies in the projects she takes on. I mean, to the point of becoming an old fish wife, she makes sure that everything is working within the parameters of the application. But the public response—at least within in the target industry—has been underwhelming. There is so much corporate bullshit and red tape out there that even though we provide a much better (and cheaper and less system-intensive) solution to electronic publishing, and though we've received excellent initial feedback from real users in this industry, no one is willing to make the break from the old beast which has the monopoly on the business. That makes me so angry. I can hardly compare this to the whole Microsoft drama, but it's the same concept only watered down about a thousand-fold. As such, I don't know how much longer we will all last. I don't intend to be a naysayer, and I do want this to work out for all of us, but I have to start looking at other options, and that sucks. I have to make some decisions about where my loyalties rest, and what I should do about them. And my overwhelming laziness to change jobs is really rearing its ugly head now.

So, with that said, I shouldn't be as angry to know that the rental situation in San Francisco is still as fucked up as ever. Oh yeah, the rents have come down, and there are apartments available everywhere you look, but I still cannot justify spending over $1000 on a studio, junior one bedroom, whatever. I spent Sunday driving around the city looking for places in neighborhoods that I would want to live in, and yes, I did focus on areas away from Pacific Heights and Nob Hill. Besides, parking is abominable over there anyway. Even out in the Richmond and Inner Sunset, apartments were so over-priced as to drive me sobbing back to Oakland. I must move. I simply cannot live where I am any longer. But now that the job sitch has taken a nose dive, I can't move now either. There's a bloody, double-edged sword sticking out of my heart, and I'm really down in the dumps.

On a lighter note, my darling Claire in Kent recently sent me two marvelous books, one of which I'm about to finish now. I opened the parcel (properly wrapped in string and everything—tell me that didn't make my heart skip a beat) and found two fantastic covers on these books I'd never heard of before. The cover alone brought girlish giggles out of me, I was so impressed. I couldn't wait to start reading them, and I'm almost finished. So far, the first one is wonderful. It also reminds me that books are fantastic devices for escaping the rigors of reality. I must read more.

Also on a lighter note, I get to visit Joe, the barber this afternoon. That is something I'm looking forward to.

That's all for now.

Unconscious Mutterings

1. Kiss :: Me
2. Nothing :: Doing
3. Reach :: for the Stars
4. Late :: Defective typewriter
5. Stump :: Tree
6. Dreams :: Luscious
7. LOL :: I really don't like that
8. Ornament :: Xmas tree
9. Neck :: Rubber
10. Guitar :: I'm still learning

I'm lookin for a new job baby, a new job, yeah yeah yeah

I stormed out of work on Wednesday afternoon, like at 12:01 pm, after a pissing contest between two people who are supposed to be partners and co-founders and who wanted to point fingers instead of resolving a situation. OK, let me get this straight. Two days before that, you tell us that you can't pay us; you're broke. Then you piss and moan about responsibilities and whose job is whose. And we're supposed to take you seriously? We're supposed to be motivated to work for y'all? I'm getting the feeling that they want our loyalty, but they don't want to have to pay for it.

I ran screaming home Wednesday afternoon, and effectively gave myself a five-day weekend. Now on the fourth day, I'm not sure that it was such a good idea because now I don't want to go back there, ever. It's so nice not to deal with them. So I'm looking for a new job. I'm posting resumes, I'm lowering my standards considerably. I'm bracing for a 60–70% pay cut. But I'm also anticipating a regular pay check that I can count on, some payroll service to deduct the necessary taxes, and possibly even health benefits. In answer to my question of last week I guess it is now, I've chosen where my loyalties sit, and they're with me first.

I hope I can find something sooner rather than later. Because they can't pay me for August, I worked for free (which is not the American way), and September's going to be a lean month. Whatever, I've been down this road before, and I'm still alive to talk about it. I will survive.

So enjoy the rest of the Labor Day weekend!