April 2, 2003
Avoirdupois
I've been gone for a while, and I have thought of a lot to say, so I'll try to keep it interesting and to the point. Ha ha. Just kidding.
Today is Wednesday, late afternoon. Monday afternoon, I went home very early because of severe stomach pains. I thought I was sick to my stomach, but it turned out to be stress, more than likely. I couldn't eat a thing, and I was seriously in pain. I have been worrying about a lot of things in my personal life that I never used to let bother me before, and I think that it's catching up with me. I know it's silly and destructive to do so, but I do it anyway.
So Tuesday I called in sick. I had planned to stay in bed all day resting and relaxing, but one thing led to another and I ended up in the city having lunch, walking around, buying this really cool USB flash card reader for my digital camera which releases me from the last remaining bond to a PC, and then stopping by Grace Cathedral for a few minutes of quiet introspection. I'm not a religious person in any sense of the word, but sitting in this cathedral on the top of San Francisco, I was very calm and relieved. I don't know what it was. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I had a revelation. I had no choirs of angels welcoming me (and no lightening bolts warning me away for that matter), but the quiet and the solemnity of the building worked some sort of magic on me. Maybe I should consider that in the future. Although, the whole cathedral/church thing doesn't really fit me. I should be able to find that sort of peace anywhere I go. I'll work on that instead.
I went in to work today, and though my stomach was still upset, I can't really tell if it's the organ or the muscles that surround it. I did workout last night, for the first time in a couple of moons. I don't know. And then I find out that I'm not getting paid until next week instead of yesterday, just in time for taxes. I think this is what bothers me the most. I owe for last year, and I owe for the first quarter of this year, and that's a lot of money. I can't change this, and it will be rough for a while, and I know all of this, so I have to accept it, deal with it, and move on.
In short, more drama catching up with me. What is life without drama? I'm trying to follow my bliss, but there's all this drama getting in the way, and I'm not even sure what my bliss is. It seems to change from time to time. I'm trying to fight off (or make peace with) different aspects of myself that are causing me grief, in a cave on a jungle planet, but I don't know what it's all supposed to mean.
And then when I least expect it, I look out of my office window over the bay and see brilliant rainbows sparkling over the grey water. It's always a sight that makes me stop in awe and realize how irrelevant all of my drama really is.
