May 23, 2002
A New Start
Well, after hours of consideration and cocktails, I have resigned myself to the whole situation. I called the repair guy again, and I told him that I was going stop infusing the car with money I could be spending on a new car. He was really cool about it and offered me a few solutions. So, R&W offered to take me out car shopping this weekend. I know exactly what I want, and I can't believe that I'm actually going to do this, and I'm NOT going to settle for something I don't want. This is a huge decision and investment for me, and chances are I'll have the thing for a long, long time. Why should I settle for something I'm going to hate driving? So, if it takes two weeks for the car to be delivered, I'll wait. In a way, it's exciting.
This is just part of my awakening, and I'm not getting all new-agey here. I have finally realized that I am an adult, and I should start to act like one. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and my situation. No one except for me is responsible for putting me where I am today. I deserve a better life. I deserve a new car. I deserve a good life. I have been in denial, duh, and frankly, it's boring. Self-loathing, self-deprecation (except for the purpose of humor, perhaps) is boring and a waste of energy. I have to change in order to survive. I have to become who I want to be in order to keep my sanity. What happened to me? Did I get hit on the head? Where did all of these realizations come from? Maybe it was the booze and dope. Whatever it was, I'm ready to start. I know it's not going to be easy. I know life will never be easy. But I'm willing to accept it and deal with it. Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
Amen.
