WTF??

Get this. In the latest development of My Own Private Drama, the Founders of the start-up for whom I am toiling away have made me an offer that I don't know I can refuse. I'm not a superficial, greedy whore...I'm not, I'm not, I'm not! (The lady doth protest too much, you thinks?) Since the Founders have come to rely on me so heavily, they expect me to appear when they need me (let me just twitch my nose for you). Due to the condition of my car and the events of recent days, they have decided to offer me a substantial loan to purchase a new one. They pulled me in this morning to make this offer, and they gave me homework to do. "Find the car you want, figure out if you can afford monthly payments, insurance payments, gas, etc...on the car you want, and then come back to us. We'll make you an offer." A new car in exchange for what, my first-born child? OK, they know me better than that. Eternal devotion to their cause? Indefinite indentured servitude? Oy vey iz mir.

I can't believe this. If I take it, I'd surely benefit from the increased reliability (and speed) of a new vehicle (not to mention the more-than-likely very attractive payment plan with flexible payment schedules that have no deleterious effects to my credit record,) but I'd have to suffer through the monotony of the company, the actual work, the commute, blah blah blah. If I don't take it, I'll surely offend them, I'll be stuck with a thirteen-year-old car that will begin to break down more regularly and the possibility of no job (if it gets ugly with the Founders), which in turn would require no commute (a little plus-side there).

These people are my friends. We've been naked and drunk in a hot tub together, we've been stoned together, we've been stranded in London because of terrorist attacks on the US together. Why is it so hard for me to just accept a little generosity from one concerned friend to another? I feel so humiliated and humbled by this offer, but should I? It's clearly none of their business what happens with my finances or my personal life unless I choose to make it so, friends or not. And true, they do rely on me, and I need to have a reliable set of wheels no matter what happens, and this is the best job opportunity I could hope to get right now. It's just that since I was eighteen, I have lived on my own, making my own way, never depending on anyone for anything, and as a result, I've never learned how to ask for help even when I truly do need it. Of course, it's never too late to learn anything, but it's soooooo hard. And then again, it has a lot to do with how other people see me, which shouldn't matter to me, but fuck it all, of course it does. I want to prove to the world that I can do it, I can survive, and I can buy a new car without anyone's help, and I can, just not right this second. But why do I have to prove anything to anyone? I've lived to be a healthy, intelligent, capable, color-coordinating, self-sufficient, alive thirty years old. That says something, doesn't it? God, am I an ungrateful fuck?

So, as my world vacillates, I'll keep you updated. As always, thanks for reading.

I was silly enough to write this at 2:42 PM