May 9, 2002
Hard Bodies
You know what? I'm getting a little pissed off. I'm just noticing now how many gay male personal ads are so discriminatory. Yes, I'm thick, and it's just starting to sink in. Of course I've seen the standard "no fats, no fems," and I've written them off as shallow, but now I'm just starting to pay attention to how many people feel necessary to quote their body fat percentage, how many times they work out per day/week/month, etc., how rock-hard their abs are, and I could go on but it's making me sick. Why is this necessary? It's as if they really are peacocks strutting around flashing their colourful feathers trying to win the dominant role. And putting in that light makes it look absolutely absurd, and I think it is.
During my recent Sex and the City marathon, I really paid attention to the guys who were the stars dates/tricks for the night. I noticed how many of them are not muscle-bound and ripped. I noticed how many of them are hairy-chested and don't feel the need to shave their chest hair. And while I realize that it's just a TV show, it's fiction and all (how else could Charlotte be so fucking perfect all the time?), do women not care about a man's body type as much as a gay man does? And if so, why not?
It's discouraging because my body is no longer a 10. It could have come close when I was 10, but now it's suffered the ravages of age and good food. I am not obsessive, and I don't pig-out per se, but I don't work out on a daily basis either. In fact, I have a Bay Area membership at the Y, which costs me $65 a month and allows me to go to any YMCA in the Bay Area all the way down to Monterey...and I never use it anywhere. It's so convenient that "I just don't have time." (The actual reason for that is another rant and risks exposing me as an insecure human being, so I won't go there right now.) So why should that be so wrong? Where are all the guys who will accept me and my body type for who and what they are without putting a dozen qualifications on top of me? Are they not placing personal ads? Are they already partnered up for the long haul?
And another thing that bothers me is when I'm cruising guys anywhere, one of the most commonly asked questions is: "Why are you still single?" In fact, on our trip to Vegas, Andrea (a pretty, straight, blond girl with oh, so perky tits) asked me when I was going to get married, if I wanted to get married, and hold on, honey, you'll find the love of your life someday. So apparently, I'm cute enough that I should be in a relationship, but strangely enough, I'm not. My response is that I want to be single and I prefer to be single. And that's not necessarily true. Being single is definitely easier because there are no interpersonal relationship conflicts to deal with, and there's certainly no emotional baggage to deal with, and forget about the whole "who's sleeping is whose bed tonight" argument. I think it's a cover-up for my true feelings about dating in the gay world. It's easier for me to accept being single than it is to accept being singled out as not date material just because I have a natural body tone and not six-pack abs. In fact, well-built men are now almost a turn-off for me because of their bodies (well, not really, just more realistically out of reach). I mean, why would a guy who invests so heavily in his body want to go out with a guy like me who doesn't? But all men can't be that shallow, can they?
I think that's enough self-indulgent complaining for a while. Yes, I am the Queen of Denial, or couldn't you tell?
