Oh my god, I could really use a drink right now. My boss just gave me my review from last year’s per­for­mance, and he voiced — out loud — every­thing I’ve been rant­ing about for the last year. I am in the void. The group’s projects are under­whelm­ing, we’re “heavy” aka over­staffed, and the com­pany doesn’t know what to do with me. They’re going to try to find a place for me. That should be heart­warm­ing. That should make me feel safe and secure; I have a job for the fore­see­able future. But, brass tacks, I have noth­ing to do when I come to work, they know it, and no one know how to fix it yet … or ever. I’m bored. I need intel­lec­tual stim­u­la­tion. I don’t want to roam the halls look­ing for some­thing to do. And yet, he admit­ted to me that it’s not worth his los­ing the tal­ent in the short term only to have to make up for it later on. So I have to keep my nose clean and show up every day. And try not to go fuck­ing stir crazy. The Secret doesn’t always work.

My god, it’s humil­i­at­ing. How am I sup­posed to look at these peo­ple? They’re sup­posed to help me look for stuff to do, make up new respon­si­bil­i­ties, extend cur­rent ones. I feel like a char­ity case. I don’t care about the review and the num­bers. I know I didn’t exceed expec­ta­tions. I know I didn’t per­form to the best of my abil­i­ties. My abil­i­ties do not lie in man­ag­ing peo­ple. They lie in pub­lish­ing and for­mat­ting and copy-editing … things that I can no longer do. I feel like I’ve been cast off, put down in the base­ment behind stacks of boxes, hid­den from view because no one knows what to do with me. How do I make a job where none exists? How can I repur­pose my career? How do I stay relevant?

I never thought I would cry at work … espe­cially over some­thing like this, but I’ve never felt so worth­less before.